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Submitted on
August 7
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My solitude

solidifies

as I breath in the smoke

of my last cigarette.

Quietly

I contemplate

the reason I am

alone.

Perhaps it was

my

words.
This is somewhat of Kore's situation/ thoughts.

writing (c) me
:iconinchaotus:
What to say here.

Every once in a while, I find an piece which has true promise, and looks excellent. This is original, and has a good idea behind it. This is an emotion that should be explored, and is universal.

Now, I don't want this to sound harsh, so I'll preface it with this statement: I really liked the work. I wouldn't bother to write this if I didn't, and as always, this is simply -my- opinion.

I feel like the execution let the piece down. Now, I won't judge you on cadence, since I have no idea what you had in mind for it (I full-stop after ever span, at least, which doesn't work out well here), but I can judge the flow of it.

Just in the first two lines, you have "solitude" directly next to "solidifies". Now, that is nice if you don't write with a verbal component in mind. That's totally acceptable, but also outside of the cope of this critique. In the context of a verbal component, it bogs down any sort of flow, and while that's acceptable, and honestly rather common, in the mid parts of a work...It's less so at the very beginning.

More importantly, it sets a strange contrast with the rest of the work, since the first two lines have as many complex words as the rest of the piece combined.

Regarding the spacing, which was obviously an important part of the work, it does seem a bit arbitrary at times, especially if you pause on spans, as do I. You end up with weird situations like "my" and "words" having a long-pause between them, but not one between "perhaps" and "it", which seems much more appropriate, especially with the contemplative mood the piece sets.

Anyways, That's all from me. Remember, I like the piece overall, and any observations in here should be taken as points that could be improved upon later, and not attempts to tear down your work.

Excellent job.
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:iconinchaotus:
Inchaotus Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh? Something I can critique? 

I'll have to do that, then.
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:iconralonebolshakov:
RaloneBolshakov Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Student General Artist
XD yayyyyy
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